SHOCK & DENIAL
September 2nd, 2010. During a routine ultrasound, at 33 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy, I was informed by my Doctor that the baby in my womb (My Son) died sometime right before my appointment. I remember crying, screaming, and begging the doctor to take him out as soon as possible to attempt to revive him. I was informed that unfortunately the labor & delivery was full. I was advised to come back the next day. Shock washed over me quickly. By two o'clock that afternoon, denial set in. I prayed and prayed, believing that he was still alive. The feeling of being alone consumed me, surrounded by family in tears, I would sneak off. I would ask, "God, why me? Why my baby? WHY???" I would always cry out while alone. 10:30pm, I went to the hospital to induce labor. I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. I had too many questions and pain constantly running through my mind. Was it my fault? How can I give birth to a baby that would never cry? These were questions I would ask anyone near me. My family, doctors, friends, and loved ones. No one had any answers. I remember feeling anger, hurt, and confusion. Once the traumatizing experience was over, giving birth to a child that did not make the crying sounds I yearned for. It was time to leave the hospital. Leaving was nearly impossible. I continued believing that this was some kind of sick joke or nightmare. That my child would somehow, come back to me. That the Doctors would tell me that they made some sort of mistake, and my child was fine. Eventually, it crept in that my nightmare was a sick reality.
An overwhelming anger came over me against everyone and everything! Feeling personally victimized by God, as if he hated me. I felt so angry and confused that hatred began creeping in. I felt angry with my OBGYN, my Mother, my cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends. Most of all, I projected my anger towards the father of my child. My anger was projected towards anyone who did or said anything I did not like. Breaking everything that was in my possession which would have been the gifts for my baby shower was the only way to temporarily relieve some anger. I began harvesting feelings and negative thoughts crept in my brain about anyone who was pregnant or had live children. Thoughts that they did not deserve to have their children and they did not deserve to be mothers. I could not even watch television because every channel either had a small child, pregnant women, or a pregnancy commercial. The opinions of my loved ones during my pregnancy angered me the most. What I should name my son, who he should spend most time with, what he should be taught, and what I should and should not be doing while I was pregnant. Mainly, I was irate at the hospital and my OBGYN. I FELT LIKE SOMEONE COULD & SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO SAVE HIM!!
Guilt is an excruciating pain that can drive you insane. I could not help, but to blame myself and have an overwhelming guilt over my son's death. I felt like I should have known that something was wrong and that his death was my fault. I put on a mask in front of everyone around me, while inside feeling ashamed and disgusted at myself. Looking in the mirror exposing my stomach area made me feel even worse. Having stretch marks, while at the same time feeling that there was not enough room for him intensified the guilt. Guilt caused me to detest sexual intercourse added by the fear that God would take another child from me. I developed a fear of sleeping, and did not get any rest. Although I did not understand it at the time, this was due to the way my child passed away. It happened during the night while I was sleeping with no actual signs of anything being wrong.
SADNESS & DEPRESSION
I was sad for the loss of my son. I felt empty, and did not know what I was going to do now that he was dead. This is when the depression began. I felt as though I could not speak about my son freely. People would not understand and felt uncomfortable. I yearned deeply to speak about him. It may have sounded crazy to others; however, it made me feel better. I was still extremely proud of him, and thought of him as the most beautiful child I ever seen. I slept with the blanket I had gotten for him every night and felt as though he was with me. I would sit in the bathtub instead of taking showers, because while pregnant I knew he loved when the water surrounded us. I cried each time. The thought of not feeling him move in my stomach again was an agonizing pain. Thoughts of suicide ran through my mind and I even attempted to kill myself. I would feel him move although I knew he was no longer there. I had one person who listened to me while I spoke of him. She was my life-line, my partner’s cousin who had two children. Everyone else would tell me to move on and get over it. My depression, guilt, and anger caused me to push everyone away. The depression caused me to have a low self esteem and to have a new fear. My new fear was that my partner would leave me due to either me not being able to bear anymore children, or if I bear children, they would die. From all the ultrasound pictures, there was a great resemblance between my son and his father. I began to obsess over him and wanted to know what he was doing at all times, in fear that I would lose him. I did not realize that I was hurting him, as well as, everyone else around me that was meaningful to me. We use to laugh at pill commercials that said, "depression hurts everyone." But it is true. This is why I emphasize... "YOU ARE NOT ALONE"
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